MY DEAR FRIEND IN THE CLOSET,

I am thrilled by your question and Happy Pride! I am queer woman in my mid 40s, and I didn’t come out openly until recently. This is such a good and curious question - the place where all great self-discovery begins! In my experience, deep platonic relationships with women can sometimes feel a bit like romantic connections. We are so lucky as women to not have the same cultural constraints that men do, being able to share our emotional lives with women. Romantic connections are when we want to create long-term emotional connections and intimacy, perhaps build a life together based on shared values. You will feel physical connections through your whole body. If there is an experience of repressed feelings for someone who’s the same sex and/or gender as you, it is totally understandable to confuse the two experiences and be left wondering, well now what? This will take time and perhaps a feeling of safety with the person you are having physical attraction to - you might ask yourself, “what makes me feel safe with people?” In doing that, you might be able to tune into what your body is telling you a little more easily, with practice. Or if you have brief encounters with someone who happens to give you those delicious feelings, can you just practice enjoying those sensations. You can notice if any shame comes up when you feel these sensations - if it does, try not to judge that - it’s good information to explore. I find it helpful to journal, but you may have your own practices of self reflection. As far as finding queer folx who identify as women, finding queer spaces, events like the ones Kamloops Pride puts on, and classes that might welcome queer people are great. I take burlesque with Kamloops Burlesque, which is a comfortable, body positive, queer friendly space. While I didn’t use apps when I was younger, I am using HER (for women, non-binary and trans folx) and Feeld (for people interested in alternative relationships) and I have made some good connections using these apps. When it comes to knowing whether someone is queer or not, if we are in a queer friendly space, we may just have to be brave and ask with gentle curiosity. As for the subtle signals - well I don’t want to stereotype, but you might look for women who are wearing clothes that are not worn for the male gaze, tattoos, shorter masculine hair cuts. For more femme presenting queer women, look for subtle rainbows or other pride colours in jewelry or manicures. We’re all out there trying to connect. Personally, I am enjoying getting to know myself better and allowing my true queer self to shine. I feel braver and I am having more fun, and I hope you will too, my friend in the closet -- life is too short! 

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy