DEAR DOROTHY,

I think my brother is gay. Well, I’m like 95% sure. He hasn’t come out yet, but I would like to ask. Can I ask in a way that isn’t bad?

LOVE FROM,
Famous Animals Run Towards Streets

DEAR FARTS,

I sympathize with your predicament. To make this a bit fun I can give you three options. They come from the grand tradition of… making up three-word phrases to fit any situation.

Bait, Skate, or Wait.

BAIT! To bait you could come out to your brother instead and see how he responds! The good old bait and switch, baiting him to also come out as well. Now this response is a bit risky and highly depends on the level of closeness you are with your brother. Honestly this is also the meaner of the three options, please read until the end before choosing any of the options.

SKATE! To Skate you could talk about the topic of gayness around him. Skating around the conversation to get him to talk more about it. This option is nicer because while skating you could also set a nice supportive atmosphere for him to feel comfortable and safe. You could even talk about how you support your friend who is gay, or a famous celebrity who came out as gay.

WAIT! To wait you could literally just wait. Waiting for him to be ready to come out to you, no matter how long it may take. This option is the most respectful because once it comes down to it, it is his choice if he wants to be out to you.

No matter how supportive you are or how welcoming of an atmosphere you try to create, he may just be the type to keep his sexuality to himself. As a queer person myself, I have many gay friends who choose to never come out to their family. I think this is something you should consider thinking about before trying to satisfy your own curiosity. Think about why you are so curious, and what makes you speculate so much that you are 95% sure, and what would change between the two of you if he did come out to you.A 2019 study by the Yale School of Public Health estimated that 83% of LGBT people around the world do not reveal their sexual orientation. This number is often used to show just how many queer people there are in the world, but it also shows that many prefer to keep the information to themselves. The exploration of gender and sexuality is a personal journey for every individual, and whether or not they would even like to explore it is up to them, so the same goes for whether they want to share their journey with anyone.

From the wording of your question, you don’t seem to mean any harm in wanting to ask. My personal suggestion would be to just wait. You might never get your answer but I think giving your brother time is the best thing you can do for him.

I wish the best for you and your brother.

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

In many of areas of my life I’m out and proud as queer, but I just can’t find it in myself to come out to my parents or other adult family members. I don’t really have any strong reasons why, it just feels like a step I’m not willing to take. I’m in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender as me, and that’s not likely to change any time soon, so they probably wouldn’t find out unless I told them. But it makes me almost feel like “bad gay” not to tell them, to let them know my whole self. What should I do?

LOVE FROM,
Please assist nervous - indecisive comrade

DEAR PANIC,

The first thing I would like to tell you is, you are not alone. See my response to Famous Animals Run Towards Streets. I have many friends who are not Out to some, or all, of their family members, at work, or any number of places/situations. Not being Out does not make you a “bad gay.” Period. Which areas of your life you are Out is a personal decision.

Coming Out comes with the risk of a homophobic reaction, and no one can tell you when you are ready to handle that, especially from the ones closest to you. It can also come with an assumption that you are responsible for educating people, answering questions about your identity, or 2SLGBTQPIA+ identities in general. You might not be taken seriously because of your relationship status, which is also a hateful reaction. (I know this is sounding tough, but keep reading!) As I said, coming out is a personal decision, however; if any of these things are a barrier to you coming out to your family, and you would like to overcome them, there are supports out there that you can access.

Qmunity: BC’s Queer, Trans, and Two-Spirit resource centre is a great resource, as is Kamloops Pride. Also, look to your queer friends and connections for support and advice. You are also allowed to say, “I”m queer. No questions, please” and if someone reacts with hate or homophobia, you have every right to walk away.

Coming Out also comes with the beauty of, as you said, the people in your life knowing your whole self.

From your question, I sense that you feel guilty about not being Out to your family. What I suggest is, look within yourself and ask where that feeling is coming from. Is the guilt coming from gay rights movements, and the campaign for visibility? If so, you can let it go. I believe our queer ancestors would be filled with joy that you can safely be Out in ANY areas of your life, and don’t have to actively hide your queerness to live safely. Perhaps the feeling is coming from being straight-passing when others in the queer community do not have that option. If that is the case, it shows that you care about making the world a safer place for the queer folks who will come after you. It is still a personal decision that, good or bad, may change your life.

If the guilt is coming from an internal feeling of betrayal to YOURSELF, then you will find the right time to come out when it becomes pressing enough. Reach out for help and support, and know that you will be joining the ranks of queer people everywhere with your story of how you came out to your parents, estranged aunt, or problematic uncle. No matter what happens: we are your family too, and we got you.

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

Is putting pronouns in your email/social media performative if you are not queer?

LOVE FROM,
Nimble Art In Lows

DEAR NAIL,

This is a fantastic question as it is certainly something I thought a lot about when my workplace began making pronouns a more common thing to do within communication platforms (ie. email signatures, zoom profile names, and when meeting a new coworker for the first time).

The biggest and most important point is that by everyone sharing their pronouns, it creates a safe space for folks of all genders (2Spirit, trans, non-binary, and other gender identities) within social circles in person but especially online. In turn it is a great way to avoid situations where someone becomes misgendered (which means referring to a person by pronouns they do not use). Better yet, when everyone does it and it is normalized within our circles, no one gets singled out or feels ostracized! In regards to social media, it is awesome because 1) much like sexuality labels, gender identities can also be fluid and 2) it is a discrete way to double check yourself before talking to or about someone else and 3) it is a form of respect and general kindness for everyone.

From my understanding of my friends’s lived experiences, pronouns can change so having something simple in an online profile that is editable creates a subtle but clear way to feel affirmed in yourself but not send notifications to everyone and feel like you are constantly coming out. As I mentioned above, gender identities can be fluid for some people so for social media to take the leap in including this in their profile headers is fantastic!

During the turbulent time of 2020, in North America there was a lot of constructive discussions within both the LGBTQA2+ communities and… everyone else about the idea of normalizing presenting oneself with your name and preferred pronouns as you meet new people. As time passed and the more everyone, including those outside of the queer community, stated their pronouns and became the more “popular” thing to do, Instagram implemented it as a setting in May of 2021.

Long story short, we all want to be respectful to each other yes. So whether you are in the queer community or you are a lovely ally along for the ride, pronouns on social media platforms are encouraged!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

When I see someone that is visibly queer, should I ask for their pronouns? I don’t usually ask for peoples pronouns and I also don’t want to out any queer folk or make assumptions. But I also want correctly identifying someone.

LOVE FROM,
Terrible Open Epipen

DEAR TOE,

It sounds like your heart is definitely in the right place, because not wanting to assume someone’s pronouns is the first step! Asking someone’s pronouns can also be hard to do organically, because typically we only refer to people using pronouns when they are not physically present. Obviously this is a problem, as you cannot ask for someone’s pronouns when they are not there. If you happen to be speaking with someone they know, you could ask that person. It could go something like, “hey I was taking to so-and-so, and… oh hey, do you happen to know what pronouns they use?” If that person also doesn’t know, it is generally accepted in the English language to use “they” when you are unsure of someone’s gender identity. This applies to ANYONE For example, say you work at a café, and you see a scarf left at an empty table. You might ask your coworker, “hey, is anyone still sitting at this table? THEY left THEIR scarf here.”

Okay TOE, here it is. The best and easiest way to find out someone’s pronouns is—drumroll, please—offer YOUR pronouns when you introduce yourself. That’s it. It goes something like this: “Hi I’m Dorothy, my pronouns are she/he/they.” This does three things: signals that you understand pronouns, shows that you are a safe person for people to be themselves with, and generally normalizes talking about pronouns rather than assuming people’s pronouns and gender identity.

If it is too late, and you have already introduced yourself, best approach is to ask them casually in conversation. This requires a little more work, on your part. First, you need to confront why you might be feeling awkward about asking. Transphobia is very ingrained in today’s society, and it takes work and reflection to understand your own internalized transphobia. Second, it requires you to be prepared for a less-than-ideal reaction.

If the person in question is cisgendered—you can never be sure of someone’s identity by how they look—they might not understand what a pronoun is and what you are asking. They may be offended (see above about ingrained transphobia). Prepare yourself a little script so you have an idea of of how you will respond to either of these reactions in a way that will de-escalate, and maybe even educate.

Hopefully though, if you do it well, the person will feel seen and safer knowing you will be referring to them correctly, no matter their gender identity.

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

I identify as non-binary or gender queer, and often feel unsure if that means I should, or could, identify as trans. As an ENBY, not my assigned gender at birth, have I transitioned? I don’t want to identify as trans and use that language, or count myself in the trans community if it’s not for me. Any and all advice is appreicated.

LOVE FROM,
Unsure Homo Open to Help

DEAR UHOH,

As a non binary human myself, I’ve also been confused about this. The short answer to this is that, while there’s no one way to be non-binary or gender queer, those of us that are gender variant do fall under the “Trans Umbrella”.

The long answer (and what the Trans Umbrella means) is that we are not cis. We have, as you mentioned, transitioned from the gender we were assigned at birth. However, we have not (necessarily) transitioned to the binary opposite of our assigned gender.

Personally, when referring to my own gender journey I say “Coming out as non-binary” because that’s what feels the most right to me, but I do acknowledge the umbrella and understand that I have some shared negative experiences with people in the trans community (misgendering, dead naming, etc) but that I do also have privileges that they don’t such as passing for cis within the general public.

To sum it up, I think the fact that you’re really reflecting on the impact of these words both to yourself and other members of the community is so important. I don’t think that you “should” identify as anything that doesn’t feel right to you, but I encourage to keep trying out the words and see what does feel right. Always remember that only you can choose your labels, and you can change them anytime!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

my best friend is trans masc and he’s asked me to help him recover post top-surgery a few years down the line. I feel honoured that he trusts me with this responsibility. do you have any advie for helping loved ones through their transition, medical or otherwise?

LOVE FROM,
Fungus

DEAR FUNGUS,

It is a great sign that your friend feels safe enough with you to ask you for help post-operation! You’re asking this also shows that you care a lot, and you know that there are some things your friend is going/will go through that you will not completely understand. The main thing is that you listen, offer support, and centre him in his experience with his transition. It is also very important that you take care of yourself as well. It is normal to have feelings about your friend going through this change, and it is important that you seek another trans ally, someone you trust, or a counsellor/therapist to talk to about your experience. Do not burden your friend with your struggles about this, but making space for your feelings will help you better be there for him.

Dorothy knows a lot but she doesn’t know everything, so I went looking for some more tips in the community!

Moose DeLeon offered this on Quora:
“Call me by the right name and pronouns. This is hard, as it’s hard to get used to. Especially if you’ve known the person as a certain person for years, decades, and suddenly they say the relationship is changing in this way. But it was so important. Every time I came out to someone new, and they supported me, I felt a little more alive.

Support me through my periods of fear and dysphoria. I have a lot of those days. I have had to rely on my partner and others for emotional support for the last year and a half. Transition is not easy. Cis folks say to us that we choose to transition. If this is a choice, this is one of the hardest choices I ever had to make.

Go with friends to appointments. If they ask for it. I can’t tell you how great I’ve felt whenever my partner or a friend takes me to appointments. My partner even helps with my hormone injections. Let the person ask you for specific help. Or you can ask, “How can I be of help in this journey for you?”

Acceptance and encouragement are the biggest things that allow us to flourish.

My two best girlfriends since forever, helped me go clothing shopping. They helped me pick out a work wardrobe so I could at least have clothing for work as I started transitioning.”

Tori, a friend of mine who helped a partner post top-surgery, had these tips:
“Bring any dishes down from up above that he’d have to reach for, and put them on the counter! Also, a double neck pillow (one on the back of the neck and one on the front) works great for couch naps.”

M says:
“A friend of mine went through top surgery and their partner organized a meal-train (a group of people to trade off making and delivering meals) and friends from out of town got gift cards for food delivery services.”

So, Fungus, keep doing your research, asking questions, and getting better at supporting your friend pre and post-op. He is probably feeling a lot of things. This is a hard time, but it is also an incredibly joyful and exciting time so remember to celebrate with him!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

Do two spirit people have two very district genders (one day is male, one day is female, etc) or is it more like they feel both at the same time?

LOVE FROM,
Sarah Jessica Parker

DEAR SJP,

Two-Spirit identity, like queer identity, really comes down to the individual and how they describe their experience of their gender and sexuality. Meaning, you will find as many definitions of Two-Spirit identity as you will find Two-Spirit people.

The term “Two-Spirit” was coined by Myra Laramee, at the third gathering of Indigenous queer activists of Turtle Island held in 1990. While many Indigenous languages have their own terms for non-binary forms of gender expression, the community had been searching for an English term that linked the contemporary LGBTQPIA+ experiences with Indigenous traditions, histories, and worldviews. Attendees at the 1990 gathering embraced Two-Spirit as a new and positive expression of who they were. They did not seek to define Two-Spirit in a narrow way.

“For me that’s walking in balance. You have both that male and female spirit.”
—Charlotte Nolin

While Two-Spirit is a relatively new term, queer identities and non-binary gender expressions are not new to Indigenous culture and experience. Colonialism and Christianity brought the condemnation and oppression of gender variance and queer relationships, enforced through institutional structure and criminalization. For example, in Canadian Residential Schools First Nations children were forcefully segregated based on their assigned gender at birth.

Colonization brought the suppression of the important role Two-Spirit have in their communities. Part of having a distinct term for Indigenous queer folks is to foster connections and re-establish the ceremonial and spiritual roles of Two-Spirit folks. It acts as an umbrella term that can be paired with “gay” “trans” or any other term that reflects and individual’s identity, and is meant to foster pan-Indigenous connection.

“We had sharing circles, sweat lodges. We’re learning about the medicines, we’re learning the traditional songs. That was something that we were curious about that we couldn’t get from the broader gay community.”
—Albert McLeod

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

I am curious if polyamory is part of the queer community or if just a lot of queer people are polyamorous?

LOVE FROM,
Serious Laugh After Yawning

DEAR SLAY,

As a member of the queer community as well as someone who practices polyamory this is a tricky question. The short answer that is generally accepted is: no, polyamory isn’t a part of the queer community.

The long answer is that I understand why you’re asking this. For myself, all my friends are either queer, or poly, or both! While keeping your question in mind, I was recently talking to one of my friends who is poly but not queer. He was saying that he personally doesn’t feel a connection to being queer but more of an allyship and is very supportive of his queer friends. He feels his struggles and successes with polyamory aren’t the same as those his queer friends go through.

To get more “definitional” about it; the Queer community is people who celebrate pride, diversity, individuality, and sexuality, who may not practice heteronormative sexual identities, normative gender constructions, or essentialist identity politics. Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style where people mutually agree (consent!) to have multiple relationships, whether romantic, sexual or a combination.

Notice how being queer is more about personal identity, whereas polyamory is one of many relationship styles that anyone can practice as they desire. This is where I find the key difference is and why it is widely accepted that polyamory is not a part of the Queer community.

I think a part of the reason the two groups seem to be so intertwined, is that they both are considered “subversions of societal norms.” Subversive, meaning anything that isn’t Cis-gendered, Straight, Monogamous, or a Nuclear Family Structure. Queer folk already put in so much work unlearning the societal norms that didn’t work for us, non-monogamy is just another way for us to tailor our life to make us happy. But of course, I don’t speak for everyone, there are still a lot of queer folk that prefer monogamy, and poly folk that are straight and cis. Not everyone needs to check all the boxes, as long as they’re happy! I hope this answer satisfies your question my dearest sleepy but comical one. Keep SLAYing ;)

P.S While writing this response I tried several times to do a serious laugh after yawning but to no avail. Kudos to you for having such unique mannerisms!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

do you guys have an annual pride parade each year here in kamloops? If so, when?

LOVE FROM,
Delulu and Very Demure and Very Mindful

DEAR DAVDAVM,

We do! It’s been held in August every year, on the second to last week. I hope you did get to see it this past Sunday, but if not we’ll see you there next summer!

If you want more up to date info on any events, Kamloops Pride is on Facebook and Instagram

See you there!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

I am a queer guy with a decent sized friend circle of queer women, trans men, and non-binary people. I would like to expand my social circle by befriending more queer guys. I often feel unsafe and judged in queer men dominated spaces. How do I push through these uncomfortable feelings?

LOVE FROM,
A

DEAR A,

It’s always important to honour how you feel and listen to yourself. That really sucks that you don’t feel safe and welcome among queer guys. I have a couple of queer guy friends and they do not have a lot of queer guy friends either, so you are not alone.

My advice for feelings of insecurity is remember that you are probably not the only queer guy in the room that feels anxious. The bad vibes may even be the product of everyone’s attempt to put up walls because they are also feeling anxious and insecure. I am not suggesting you throw caution to the wind, it is still important to listen to your internal self and validate your feelings. What I do suggest is exploring the perspective that YOUR fear is also THEIR fear.

What queer men dominated spaces are you frequenting? It could be they just don’t align with your interests. Explore social situations that feel like your thing, and do your best to be open. You have a lot to offer the world! So go forth, be yourself, and don’t waste your time on anyone that doesn’t value your individual sparkle!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

Why are most people in the pride community polyamourous?

LOVE FROM,
Zeropride

DEAR ZEROPRIDE,

As a Polyamorous queer myself, your question made my heart flutter! Who are all these queer polyamorous folks you know, and could you please send them my way?? Practicing polyamory is not the care-free-sex-paradise that some folks think it is! It can be hard to find each other in the landscape of a cis-gendered, heterosexual, monogamous hegemony.

But to explain why you might have seen queerness and polyamory go hand-in-hand, I would say this: defying social norms is catchy!

The very existence of the concept of “coming out” as queer exists because heterosexuality is considered “normal” and anything outside of it is considered “abnormal.” Leading to a feeling that queerness is simply not an option. Once the shackles of heterosexuality are discarded, sometimes you can’t help but wonder, “what else was I told was impossible, but is actually a story that can be re-written?”

Of course, within the limits of treating people ethically and with their free, voluntary, and informed consent.

So Zeropride, is there anything you would change about your life and how you expressed love if it was more accepted by, or within, the heterosexual community?

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

What are lipstick lesbians ?

LOVE FROM,
Limping In Paris

DEAR LIP,

As with most terms in the queer community, there are several uses of the term “lipstick lesbian” and several connotations. I should mention at the outset that this is not currently a very commonly used expression in the queer community. The straight (ha!) answer is that “lipstick lesbian” means a feminine presenting woman who has romantic/sexual relationships with women. In other words, a lesbian who wears clothes and makeup, and/or behaves in way that society associates with femininity. However, this term has been used in a disdainful or invalidating way to accuse feminine, queer women of not being “real” lesbians. Or to imply that their queerness is only performative for a male gaze. Perhaps because the term was used in the porn industry in the 1980s to advertise lesbian erotica to male viewers. Today, most feminine presenting queer folks use the term “femme” or “high femme” to describe their gender presentation.

In general, it is not a good idea to label someone else. There may be some folks who are reclaiming the label of lipstick lesbian for themselves, in which case they will let you know whether you can refer to them that way. (I use they/them pronouns here, because anyone of any gender can claim the label of lipstick lesbian, if it feels right to them.) If someone asks you if you are a lipstick lesbian, perhaps ask them what exactly they mean.

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

I am a newly identifying queer woman and feel like I have a hard time fitting in with queer groups because of my femme presentation and lack of exposure to/awareness of queer pop culture. How do I balance being myself while also finding my place in the queer community??

LOVE FROM,
Sally

DEAR SALLY,

Welcome. You did it! You did the hard thing. You were brave enough to be true to yourself and to tell the world about it. You are meant to be here. I will say that again: You. Are. Meant. To. Be. Here. Queer spaces are for you. Exactly as you are. That said, I know how hard it must be to feel like you should feel at home in the queer community, but you don’t yet. My general advice for you is give yourself TIME. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is give yourself the grace to discover the nuances of your queer identity FOR YOU in whatever way works for you. This is where queer pop culture comes in! No one is going to quiz you on who won the last five seasons of Drag Race. Enjoy queer pop culture and queer representation, past and present, to find out what resonates for you and what you relate to. Don’t stress! Enjoy this process, and connect with other queers over your shared enjoyment.

Having moved to Kamloops as a femme presenting queer woman without knowing a soul before getting here, it took me awhile before I found my folks in town. For me, I looked at the Kamloops Pride resources/activities and found the Kamloops Pride Choir and Rainbow Reads as they match my interests. It can be pretty intimidating putting yourself out there as an adult thinking “what extra curricular activities should I do?” But I found it so helpful because it automatically put me in groups with folks who had similar interests. From there, it was a matter of making conversation when I could and eventually, I found some fantastic, genuine, new friends in town!

As for femme presentation, I hear you on that too. Femme invisibility is a very real thing. The good thing is, you are not alone. Your queer-femme community is practiced at finding ways to signal queer orientation. Personally, I love wearing a mini-skirt with my fantastically hairy legs, or subtle rainbow jewelry. I wish you the absolute best on this journey.

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy

DEAR DOROTHY,

Is putting pronouns in your email/social media performative if you are not queer?

LOVE FROM,
Nimble Art In Lows

DEAR NAIL,

Dear Nimble Arts in Lows,

From my understanding of my friends's lived experiences, pronouns can change so having something simple in an online profile that is editable creates a subtle but clear way to feel affirmed in yourself but not send notifications to everyone and feel like you are constantly coming out. As I mentioned above, gender identities can be fluid for some people so for social media to take the leap in including this in their profile headers is fantastic!

Long story short, whether you are in the queer community or you are a lovely ally along for the ride, pronouns on social media platforms are encouraged!

LOVE FROM,
Dorothy